Getting close, personal, and sexy with another human being truly
is what makes the world go 'round - and not just for the
euphoria and butterflies that go with them.
If anyone has ever been a part of one, regardless of seriousness,
then they're quite familiar with the facet of them that has been
the inspiration for much of that euphoria and the majority of
the romantic poetry that has been written over the years:
the 'honeymoon' phase.
In that beautiful stretch of time, everything is right with
The air smells sweeter, birds are chirping a bit more than usual,
and everything we do is enhanced in ways we never thought
possible. We are in that moment, the very best person we can
possibly be. It's truly a gift, and one of the reasons why so
many of us want to find love in the first place.
As with most good things in life, there's a catch, and that
beautiful symphony of emotion must come to an end. For some,
the loss of this gift is too much to bear and they simply walk
away. I know I spent a good part of my adult life hopping from
honeymoon phase to honeymoon phase(s).
For others, that thing they caught a glimpse of is so amazing
that they're remiss to let it go without a fight. For those
in that category, the result is either a struggle that ends
in a messy breakup, or the finding of someone we decide to
spend the rest of our life with - with the vast majority of us
falling into the former category, whether or not marriage is
So what the hell happened?
Where did the love go?
Some individuals hypothesize that it's at the twilight of
the honeymoon phase that the 'shine' begins to wear off of
the other person and we see them as they really are, flaws
and all. This supposedly triggers our doubts, and the palace
of ivory begins to crumble.
I'm here to say that while that hypothesis does hold some weight,
it's really not at the heart of what happens.
To put it simply, it's not the others person's faults that
come starkly into focus in this darkest of hours, it's OUR OWN.
Unbreakable Confidence & Game
To explain my point, I'd like to begin with a little
relationship/attraction meta-theory that's been gathering steam
in my brain over the past year or so.
I firmly believe that we are attracted to what we're attracted
to because that particular thing happens to be what will most
directly cause us to go/grow where and how we need to at that
particular point in time, and I mean that in the most Taoist
To use a fairly colorful example to explain this point, let's
say that at a given moment in someones life, he or she is drawn
to the notion of sleeping with a bunch of people.
This may be caused by some deeply rooted insecurities, or by
any other number of reasons, but at that moment, that particular
course of action is the best means for that individual to begin
the journey that will ultimately end in overcoming whatever
obstacles stand in his or way to personal realization and
Notice that this theory includes all things that many people
could consider unhealthy or negative. While this may be the
case in the short term, I believe that these actions are
nevertheless the best path for a person to take.
Even if it feels like you're swimming upstream, the current is
always carrying you in the right direction.
Attraction to other human being provide us the strongest and
most direct path to this PERSONAL GROWTH, and therein lies the
reason why we are so crazily drawn to other people.
I firmly believe that without women, men would end up wallowing
in some gutter in the most depressing scenario imaginable, and
vice-versa - with the mechanism through which this happens
being one of the most brilliantly designed systems in the world.
You can never know who you're going to be attracted to, and to
what degree you'll be attracted to them, but rest assured,
there's a method to that madness.
Whoever that person happens to be, take comfort in the fact that
you are placed on each other's journeys to take you both where
you need to go.
When it really happens - when you're ready for it to happen -
it hits you like a ton of bricks, and I'm certainly not the
first to describe it in this way.
As we've already mentioned, that honeymoon phase hits, and you
are suddenly faced with a more perfect version of yourself than
you ever thought possible.
Your work goes extremely well, all of the other relationships in
your life flourish, and you're insanely open to anything and
everything - you also may happen to notice that other members
of the opposite sex can't keep their eyes off of you.
As we've also mentioned though, this inevitably comes to an end
and we're now sitting face to face with that same person we
were before all of this started. We are reminded, after a
brief glimpse of heaven, that we're still the same person with
the same "flaws" that we were before love crossed our paths.
Because these two versions of ourself, the ideal and the
reality, are now forced to stare each other down face to face,
this point can be especially troubling.
We being to feel depression-like withdrawals and other aspects
of our life begin to suffer, including work and other
Our openness is replaced by jealousy - and those fears and
insecurities that this attraction was put in our place to
overcome begin to show their ugly head.
As strange as it sounds, this is a point to celebrate. Up until
now, these personal demons remained for the most part under
the surface, but through this beautiful process, they are now
brought to some level of light where they can actually be fought.
When faced with this situation, a person will always go in one
of three directions.
1. They simply cannot bear the situation at this time, and
decide to walk away. Maybe they'll tell themselves that their
other half simply wasn't worth it or too flawed for them - and
maybe they are - but they choose to wait until the next time
attraction hits them over the head; a time when they're better
prepared to deal with their roadblocks through more experiences
such as these.
2. They decide to continue the relationship, and use as much
'warm fuzzies' as they can muster to cover up the glaring issues.
They'll turn a blind eye to the unearthed feelings and hold the
other person as tightly as possible with hopes that with
enough "love" the shadows will eventually be banished.
Well those shadows don't simply go away on their own, and the
result of this course of action is the all too familiar pattern
of love/hate that so many of today's relationships find
themselves falling into.
The periodic episodes of hot and cold continue to escalate
until a final blowup/breakup occurs, leaving both parties
devastated in their wake.
The silver lining is that this path will ultimately lead to a GOOD
amount of personal growth after said blowup. The negative of
course is that it's often not without the cost of most of one's
mental and emotional health along the way.
3. This final path is the path is the most difficult to walk,
yet is the one that leads to the GREATEST amount of ultimate
personal growth and fulfillment.
Although it is the path of greatest resistance, some couple
are actually able to use this opportunity to face their own
personal demons, the ones that this attraction was meant to
uncover in the first place, and constructively work through
This is often not accomplished without greater or lesser
degrees of hardship, and it is rare that anyone can take on
this type of endeavor without making some missteps along the
It is, however the straightest and most powerful path to ultimate
happiness that one can undertake.
At this point I must stress that there is NO one path that
is any better or worse than another. There is only what is
best for a PARTICULAR person at a PARTICULAR time.
If you know in your heart that someone is not the person to
take you to the next level in a particular situation, then
trying to tell yourself otherwise will only SLOW your pace.
So why is it again that we should even bother with all of this
in the first place? Why is this natural inborn order so
wonderful to begin with?
The answer to these questions lies in the honeymoon phase that
began our journey. The truth is that the person that you caught
a fleeting glimpse of in that phase wasn't merely a figment of
Although the vast majority of us are weighed down by not so
positive experiences throughout our lives, primarily in our
younger and most vulnerable years, we all have the potential
inside of us to permanently become our best self, the version
of our self that we were able to catch a glimpse of during
the initial honeymoon phase.
That version of yourself is who you TRULY are, that is the you
who can accomplish anything you desire - unbridled of your
fears - and that is the you who can limitlessly impact the
lives of everyone you encounter and the world in an exceedingly
No matter where you are and where you've been, take comfort
in the fact that it has all happened for a VERY good reason.
Side Note: This kind of thing is a common problem most guys tend
to have at one point or another in their lives... which has
quite a bit to do with problems of healthy "personal boundaries"
and other deeper psychological concepts.